“But That’s Not Fair!” Redirecting Jealousy When a Sibling or Friend Loses a Tooth First

It happened when my girls were younger, and it’s still happening now that they’re older. One twin achieves something “first” and the other twin inevitably feels jealous.
At age five, it looked like one of my daughters, Rebecca was going to loose her first baby tooth before her sister, Julia did. Julia, being a sweet, kind, and fairness-conscious child, had me write this letter that she dictated to the tooth fairy:

Dear Tooth Fairy,
I’m happy Rebecca lost her first tooth, but I’m not happy she might get more money than me.
Julia

More recently, it’s looked like fifteen-year-old Rebecca winning trophies for debate, while Julia’s pursued activities like writing that don’t often come with trophies. It just doesn’t seem fair, right? Even though both girls eventually lost the same number of baby teeth—and both teenagers are excelling in their chosen fields—the perceived mismatch can still lead, at times, to hurt feelings or a sense that one child has received “more” than another. If this scenario is playing out in your household, here are two things you can do about it.

The “Let’s Make It Fair” Approach

First, when possible, you-the-parent can attempt to make things “fair” yourself. After Julia wrote that letter to the tooth fairy, I had the tooth fairy write this letter back to her:

Dear Julia,
Not to worry! You and your sister will both receive the same amount from me.
Keep wiggling,
The Tooth Fairy

In our house, the tooth fairy tended to leave “special coins” for lost baby teeth—pennies and quarters decorated with stickers, for example. I always made sure each twin received the same gift for the same tooth lost, and this sense of “fairness” ultimately mollified my girls’ jealousy. It also taught them important lessons about patience and supporting each other’s wins.

Now, let’s say the kids in your household are several years apart in age. The littlest one might have to wait “too long” to catch up to their older sibling(s). In this case, I’ve heard of parents leaving a gift for the littlest sibling as well, so they don’t feel left out. Some parents also do this when their child goes to a friend’s birthday party and feels jealous that the friend, and not them, has received gifts. The only issue I foresee here is that life, in the end, is not as fair as we sometimes wish it was or make it out to be. Which brings me to my next point.

The “Life Isn’t Fair” Approach

I don’t know about you, but when child-me used to say “That’s not fair!” and my parents responded with “Life isn’t fair,” I found the cliche more harmful than helpful. It effectively ended any conversation around what fairness is or could be, leaving no room for further discussion or creative problem-solving. It was ultimately a downer that, for me anyway, led to frustration, ongoing suffering, and even low-grade depression. For this reason, I’ve tried hard to resist telling my girls that “life isn’t fair,” and to encourage them instead to reframe their perspective.

The best way I know to reframe jealousy is practicing gratitude. When Julia feels upset that her sister has won “another” trophy, I ask Julia to list the things she’s uniquely good at or for which she feels grateful that week. Julia, for example, will probably be her class valedictorian. The honor doesn’t come with a trophy… but it may come with a speaking opportunity and a scholarship! Also, Julia and I like to ride bikes together, an interest her sister doesn’t share. Remembering that she gets “special” times alone with Mom makes Julia feel grateful and eases her jealousy.

Not to get all spiritual here if that’s not your thing, but many faith traditions also offer answers to the age-old question Why isn’t life fair? If religion or spirituality is important to you, you might also turn to those sources for assistance in tackling jealousy head-on.

One way of modeling fairness would be to purchase a copy of my tooth-fairy-themed children’s book UNDER MY PILLOW for each of your children and their friends! Because it teaches empathy and creative problem-solving, reading it to your kids can also help nip jealousy in the bud.